I am so s...

I am so sick and tired of my mother. I swear Im going to snap and just kill her one nite. I cant live here!She is yelling at me b/c I aparently havent done anything this weekend. Ive been working. Her? She hasnt fucking moved her ass away from her laptop b/c shes been playing solitare since friday nite. And I havent done anything? She keeps saying that when I had my apt I could keep it clean. And Im suposed to vac tomarrow. I rarely vacumed at my apt. It never got that dirty. I cleaned the bathroom and the kitchen when it got gross. I didnt have to do that much. My mom on the other hand is a fucking slob and I have to clean up after her? No. She keeps saying that Im expecting her to clean up after her. Um who is looking for someone to clean up after them?>? Sure as hell not me. And I have to fucking cook her diner!! Im not even hungry. No wonder Im gaining weight. Im suposed to eat whatever the fuck shes eatting. Im sick of it. I just want to live my own life. Im not 4 I dont need to eat when and what she is. I think when your 60 yrs old you can fucking cook your own meals and not need to be entertained all the god damn time. Im so sick of this. So sick. I just want to punch her. When I graduate and get a job away from here Im pulling a katie and just leaving. I dont fucking care. She cant afford the house? Not my problem. You sell the house and get a condo or something. Stop expecting your kids to pay for all your bills. Its not our responsability. Im gonna go completely insane. And people wonder why Im cuttign again. I have no relase for my frusterations.

This past w...

This past week has pretty much been hell. Im seriously thinking my depression is back full swing. I hate it. Im trying to be upbeat about everything but I just want to stay in bed for days on end. I dont even want to go to school anymore. I know something is seriously wrong with me. And the fact that school is so strict its not like I even have any real leeway with anything. Im sick of the all black, all the time, no colors peeking out rule & the fact that you cant come in even 2 min after 9 or you have to wait till 10 to come in and then you only have till 1230 to get there or you dont get any credit for the day!! What the hell??? Ugh. Im just kinda fed up with it all. I keep thinking I made a huge mistake. Im pretty sure I want to do this, but I just cant get into it. I feel like a failure. Everyones so proud of me that I feel like im just letting everyone down. I missed school on Monday b/c my RA was acting up and I couldnt even move my hands, jaws, wrists, shoulders and I had serious pain in my chest. Then yesterday I had to go off cape to battle Jay in court. I have to pay 250 a Mo to him till Aug. How Im going to pull that off plus pay for school, I dont know. He wanted 500 a month at first so I guess its a better deal but still. I just feel so overwhelmed. I started work last nite and I know im going to hate it. I feel like a moron. I saw some girl I used to be friends with in elementry school and shes a 4th grade teacher now. I dont want people thinking all im good for is scanning groceries. I just want to hibernate. I need the money, but even still I dont want to go. Yet again with the just wanting to stay in bed for the rest of my life. I need to see someone about this, I know but I have no time. I just dont know what to do. Im affraid Im just going to have everything come toppleing down on me. Maybe I should just go into school and see if I could talk to someone. All I do is cry lately. I hate it. I wish I had some insurrence b.c I need to see someone pronto. I just hate feeling this way. Im thinking Im going to ditch today and see if I can get ahold of the hospitals free care office and try to get back into seeing someone at the psych center. And see if I can go over and talk with one of the ladies at school. The only person that I know I would prob talk to really kinda scares me. Meh. Maybe I should talk to my mom first? I think im gonna call her. Maybe meet her for lunch. I just dont want her to think of me as a failure.